How Painful Is Having A Miscarriage? A Mother’s Day Loss

The Beginning Of The End

It began Thursday. The pain, the cramps, wondering if this situation was going to last only a few hours. Could this be a minor setback or is it the end? Friday morning, at 6 am, I awoke from a bad dream sobbing. I do not even remember what I was dreaming, but my first thought was, “the baby”. The crying woke my husband and he rolled over to rub my back. He asked me if I was ok. I told him yes and quietly climbed out of bed holding back they hysteria that was about to come.

How Painful Is Having A Miscarriage

I sat on the floor in the bathroom crying for a few hours. The floral pattern of the shower curtain provided no comfort. It took everything I had not to rip it down through the pain. The pain is hard to deal with. Not only physically but the heartbreak seems so much more intense. There is no need to visit the hospital this time. Yes, I said this time. It’s not my first rodeo having a miscarriage. The first time a horrible event like this occurred was in 2010. I learned at what point I would have to make a doctor’s trip. It is early in the pregnancy this time. For that I am grateful.

Why Me

I do not question why this is happening to me…again! No thoughts like that run through my head. I am at peace knowing that it is God’s will and it’s just not our time. I pray many prayers. Thanking the good Lord that this is happening sooner and not later. I am so grateful that we have a beautiful 3-year old angel baby that is perfect. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak a Mother would deal with further into her pregnancy and loosing her Angel Baby. I pray for all the women who have gone through this.

My Mother’s Day Bubble

It’s Sunday, Mother’s Day. I did not expect this day to be so depressing. I feel like I am in a bubble. I can see clearly everything going on outside my bubble. My husband takes our toddler on an errand so I can have some time alone. A man will never really understand the pain. Everyone can see me inside my bubble but it’s hazy to them. They can’t really see. Only a woman who has been through this can truly understand the situation.

Tomorrow Is A New Day

Tomorrow is a new day. Back to work and being a full-time Mom. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I hope I feel even a little better because I hate my daughter seeing me like this. She doesn’t understand. Mommy is sick again. I don’t want to be sick or depressed. I want to be good for her. We shall see. Only tomorrow knows.

This is hard for me to share but I know someone out there understands…and I understand you! This is dedicated to those lovely souls that we shall meet one day and to the women who have shared in this experience. No one can tell you it’s going to be all right. Things will just work out when they will. We just have to stay strong and pray that our hearts heal. 

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Comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, Renee. Your family is so beautiful and I’ve been thinking about you guys and praying for you all. Hugs, my friend.

  2. Goodness, Renee. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve never had a miscarriage so I know I can never completely understand how it feels but I know it has to be incredibly painful for you and your husband. I hope some comfort can come in knowing you’re in our prayers.

  3. Marisa Johnson says:

    I am so sorry, so very sorry. I sadly know how it feels to miscarry. Last year I found out at my 8 week ultrasound that my baby had no heartbeat. I had to live with this knowledge for 10 long days before I had a D&C done. It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. To me it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you catch your rainbow soon :::hugs:::

    • Thank you for sharing Marisa. I am sorry to hear for your loss as well and am praying that you have gotten stronger through it and your days are better.

  4. barbara wright says:

    I’ve been there; I understand. I won’t go into details because my pain is old, where yours is new. I do have two pieces of advice for you:
    1 – find a support group. Your doctor should be able to give you a list. When I got pregnant the
    next time and went to childbirth classes, my teacher was shocked that my doctor didn’t give
    me ANY information at all. Lots of people go through this and they will probably be more
    supportive of you than a lot of your “friends” who mean well, but say stupid things.
    2 – understand that your body was smart enough to know that there was something wrong with
    the baby, and that’s why it got rid of it. It’s easy now to say that you would have loved the
    baby no matter what was wrong with it, but once you give birth to children and watch them
    grow up, you’ll realize how painful it is when your kids don’t fit in. So even though the
    miscarriage is painful now, a child with disabilities would be SO much more painful for you
    later on – not because they’re disabled, but because they don’t understand why other kids treat
    them the way they do.

    I wish you the best of luck in getting through this. I grieve every March 5th, because that’s when I lost mine. It gets easier with time, but I will never forget or stop wondering what that child would have been like.

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